'What if People Read It?' Shame: Stepping Out of the Shadow

“Are you sure about this?” “People might de-friend you.” “Think about future employment.”

Just some of the concerns raised by loved ones when I told them I’m writing a column about mental health.

“Have you considered a synonym?” “How about Emma Leaning is EMOTIONAL?” “Are you sure about the CAPS?” And, a personal favourite:

“…What if people read it?”

Shame. Defined by the Merriam-Wester Dictionary as, a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.

Like mental health disorders, shame is a silent epidemic. It’s highly associated with addiction, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, suicide, and violence. You’ll know shame if you’ve felt it; and unless you’re a sociopath, you have. Analytical psychology describes shame as, the swampland of the soul. It’s that hurt like hell feeling in your bones that you’re flawed. This fear leads to a belief that our imperfections deem us unworthy of love or connection.

Not _____________ enough.

Read that again. Now fill in the blank and you’ve found shame. Mine, not good enough.

Shame can be triggered by any number of situations; real or imagined. It’s a focus on self. Research professor Dr. Brené Brown has spent over a decade studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame. Brown is the author of 5 #1 New York Times best sellers and in 2010, delivered one of the most popular TED Talks of all time. She’s also led me to stick quote-filled post-it notes all over my fridge.

In her second TED talk, Listening to Shame - watched by over 12 million people - Brown refers to shame as the difference between, I did something bad and I am bad. She says shame has 2 tracks, never good enough and who do you think you are?

Shame is the straitjacket that stops you from raising your hand, and the voice that berates you when you do. Culturally we’re set-up to numb shame, and this forms destructive behaviours. We bully, drink, eat, medicate, perfect, spend.

And, we hide.

Brown spots three things shame needs to survive: judgement, secrecy, silence. To combat these, we need to be seen. But to be seen is to be exposed; in other words, vulnerable.

Vulnerability is commonly perceived as weakness. No wonder when defencelessness, helplessness, and liability are all synonyms for the word. But grab a copy of the Merriam-Wester Dictionary and you’ll find vulnerability derives from the Latin, vulnerare, (to wound). Definitions include, capable of being wounded and open to attack or damage. Picture someone who’s capable of being wounded, someone who’s open to attack or damage. What do you see? Courage.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.

- Brené Brown

There’s nothing easy about truth or comfortable about courage; if there were, we'd all watch less Netflix. But truth and courage aren’t reserved for superheroes or teenage kids battling Demogorgans. Vulnerability is in the fabric of our every daily life; initiating sex with a partner, launching a start-up company, waiting for test results. What these things can never be mistaken for, is weakness.

Shame exists in the shadows. It cannot stand the light. Shame chokes connection and works to cut us off from the very thing that can kill it; empathy. We need to normalize the conversation around shame. If we dare to be vulnerable - if we risk judgement, reject secrecy, and refuse silence, we can begin to cultivate empathy, courage and connection.

Only then can we reframe our picture. I am _____________ enough.